I haven’t blogged since like a month and mainly because I don’t write nowadays. Not that I have given up my ‘writing passion’ but because every topic I start gets no end, I don’t find a good end to whatever I write. Yesterday night while I was trying to sleep I found an explanation. Mostly I write 2-3 poems in a day and every poem relates to the mood I have. And now since my exams are over, I have no school. I have nothing to do until I get the result, I’m free. I have no fights, I don’t get angry on anybody so I don’t have any mood swings and I don’t have anything to write.
Lately, the idea that has occupied me is ‘What stream to choose for 11th?’. I have exactly 4 days to decide that and I think about it a lot but I get nowhere. I’ve always wanted to be a writer but then I come from a typical Indian family. To them every career is about Doctor’s and Engineers. No, I don’t blame them. They want me to have a good life, with no risks of failing anywhere. They couldn’t have that themselves. I am from a Kashmiri family and every adult in my family had big dreams but all their dreams were washed off because of all the war and mishaps in Kashmir during their time. I have big, big family and everyone has a lot of expectations from me. I’ve been a good student at school so they believe I’d be a very good doctor/engineer. They read my poems and articles, they praise me. But they take it to be my hobby and not my ambition. Most of the people I met tell me, I should follow my dream because my sanctification is what will mean the most to me in my life later. But then I believe my parents gave birth to me, they held me every time I fell down, they fulfilled my small dreams so yes, they have a right to think about me, they have a right to decide which way I should choose, they have a right to dream for me. And as their daughter I should be fulfilling their dreams and their expectations. I do not want to do something which will fulfill their dreams and will keep me happy. A very close person told me, I should take up some good career like engineering, score fine and continue writing. Somebody told me that writing is something nobody can teach me, it is my own style, my own imagination. Nobody can every take it away from me, and I can do it even if I take up some promising career.
After all this too.. I’m still in confusion. The basic confusion comes when I have to choose from Biology and Mathematics. I do not hate any of them. I like maths, I get bored In Biology. But then I score better in Biology than maths. I’m so badly stuck with this confusion!
So yeah, I have like 100’s of roads and choosing one is so tough.